Dismissive Avoidant (DA) Attachment Style


Dismissive-Avoidant individuals often prize their independence and self-sufficiency above all else. They may view themselves as not needing close personal ties and may even see these ties as burdensome or unnecessary. This perspective often stems from early experiences where they learned to rely heavily on themselves and may have felt that caretakers were inconsistent or intrusive. They often suppress and disconnect from their feelings as a protective strategy.

Common Communication Patterns

  • Avoidance of Deep Emotional Sharing: They might shy away from conversations that demand emotional depth or vulnerability.
  • Intellectualization: Turning emotional issues into intellectual discussions, thereby avoiding feelings.
  • Minimization: They might downplay their own needs or feelings, as well as those of their partners.
  • Defensiveness: When confronted with concerns or complaints, they might deflect or withdraw.
  • Non-committal Responses: They might offer vague or non-committal responses to direct questions about feelings or the relationship's future.


Common Core Wounds

  • Fear of Dependency: A belief rooted in childhood that depending on others will lead to disappointment.
  • Rejection or Neglect: Past experiences where emotional needs were overlooked or dismissed, leading to a preference for emotional distance.
  • Invasion of Personal Boundaries: Past experiences where their boundaries were crossed or not respected, leading to heightened guard over personal space and emotions.
  • Fear of Intimacy: An underlying concern that getting too close will either lead to loss or being controlled.



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Common Needs

  • Need for Independence: A significant need for personal space and time.
  • Clear Boundaries: The desire for clear-cut boundaries to feel safe.
  • Consistency: Though they might avoid intimacy, inconsistent behaviors from partners can be distressing.
  • Understanding and Patience: A partner who understands their need for space without taking it personally.

Relation to Boundaries

  • Firm Boundaries: DAs often set strict boundaries to protect their independence.
  • Difficulty Lowering Walls: Once a boundary is set, they might struggle to adjust it, even if they desire closeness.
  • Clarity Over Flexibility: They prefer clear and consistent limits over adaptive or shifting boundaries.

Dynamic with Other Attachment Styles

DA - DA: Both partners prioritize independence and may respect each other's boundaries. However, they might struggle with emotional connection and deep intimacy.

DA - Fearful-Avoidant (FA): A complex relationship. Both might respect each other's boundaries, but the FA's turbulent emotions can be overwhelming for the DA.

DA - Anxious-Preoccupied (AP): A challenging dynamic. The AP's need for closeness can trigger the DA's withdrawal. The AP might feel constantly rejected while the DA feels smothered.

DA - Secure: The secure partner often provides a stable base allowing the DA to venture into intimacy at their own pace. The relationship can flourish if the secure partner remains patient and the DA works on their intimacy fears.

Common "Super Powers"

  • Self-Sufficiency: Their ability to rely on themselves can be admirable and can be a great strength in crisis situations.
  • Clear Boundaries: They often have a clear sense of self and boundaries, which can be beneficial in various professional and personal scenarios.
  • Analytical Strength: The tendency to intellectualize emotions provides them with a strong analytical and logical mind.
  • Resilience: Their independent nature often makes them resilient to external emotional disturbances.